How to do conflict well

I’ve been thinking a lot about how we all deal with disagreements and arguments, both at work and at home. It’s something we can’t really avoid, but I’ve learned a few things that might help us handle them better.

1. Understand the difference between good and bad arguments.

Good arguments are those that lead to understanding, growth, and solutions. Bad arguments, on the other hand, often escalate due to misunderstandings or hurt feelings, especially when they’re conducted through text or email. These platforms lack the ability to convey tone, intention, and emotion, which are crucial for resolving conflicts. You may think you’re being faster by texting, but in the long run it’s much more efficient and effective to pick up the phone.

In my experiences with organizations and family businesses, I’ve seen how easy it is for text messages to be misinterpreted, leading to unnecessary tension. The key takeaway here is the importance of choosing the right mode of communication. Face-to-face conversations or phone calls not only prevent misunderstandings but also build deeper connections through direct engagement.

2. Be careful how and when you bring up problems.

Timing and context are critical when addressing issues. Unexpectedly confronting someone with a problem, or “dropping a bomb,” can put them on the defensive and shut down productive dialogue. This approach often leads to heightened anxiety and defensiveness, making it difficult to reach a constructive resolution. 

I’ve learned that by scheduling meetings with a clear agenda and giving the other person time to prepare, we can foster an environment conducive to open and positive conversations. This method ensures that everyone involved understands the purpose of the discussion and comes ready to engage thoughtfully, significantly improving the chances of a successful outcome.

3. Talk directly to the person you have an issue with.

Triangulation, or discussing problems with others instead of directly with the person involved, can erode trust and lead to more significant issues within a team or relationship. It’s a behavior that can unintentionally create divisions and misunderstandings. 

In my work, I’ve emphasized the importance of direct communication as the cornerstone of healthy team dynamics. When concerns are addressed openly and directly, it not only resolves the immediate conflict but also strengthens the relationship by building trust and transparency. This approach encourages everyone to confront issues head-on rather than letting them fester and potentially escalate.

4. Assume the best in people.

Assuming positive intent in others can dramatically change the course of a conflict. Approaching a disagreement with curiosity and an open mind, rather than jumping to conclusions or assigning blame, can reveal misunderstandings and uncover common ground. This principle is about giving the other person the benefit of the doubt and starting the conversation from a place of wanting to understand their perspective. In my personal and professional interactions, I’ve found that this approach not only de-escalates potential conflicts but also deepens mutual respect and understanding. It’s about recognizing that most people don’t have malicious intentions and that, more often than not, conflicts arise from miscommunication or differing perspectives.

5. Embrace conflict.

Ultimately, viewing conflict as an opportunity rather than a threat is fundamental to growth, innovation, and strong relationships. Conflict indicates engagement and passion—it means that people care about what they’re doing and are invested in the outcome. Healthy teams don’t shy away from conflict—they embrace it as a necessary part of achieving excellence. Encouraging open discussions and disagreements can lead to better decisions, more creative solutions, and a more committed team. The key is to navigate these conflicts with respect, empathy, and a willingness to find common ground.

By applying these principles, we can navigate the complexities of conflict with grace, leading to more united and resilient teams and relationships.

Dennis

THOUGHT OF THE MONTH

Learn how to do conflict well.

If you’re like me, you might naturally shy away from conflict, preferring to avoid it when possible. But I’ve learned, through extensive work with organizations, family businesses, and even in my own marriage, that conflict is a normal part of life. More importantly, I’ve discovered that there’s a constructive way to handle it.

I’d love to invite you to join me on a journey that could change the way you approach conflicts in both your professional life and personal relationships. Through my Executive Coaching program, we’ll explore together the nuances of navigating conflicts, transforming them from challenges that may seem disruptive into opportunities for growth and positive change.

In our sessions, we’ll delve into the critical differences between healthy and unhealthy conflicts and discuss why it’s so essential to favor direct, face-to-face conversations over digital communications when dealing with sensitive issues. I’ll share with you effective strategies for preparing and scheduling meetings that foster open, productive dialogues, and we’ll tackle the habit of triangulation together, learning to approach the person directly with whom we have an issue.

I genuinely believe that healthy teams not only have conflict but need it to thrive. It’s a sign of engagement, passion, and a commitment to achieving the best outcomes.

So, if your team seems a bit too quiet or you’re overly hesitant about conflict, it might be time to look into building a culture where healthy conflict is welcomed and seen as a pathway to trust and innovation.

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